someone you have been searching for a long time

Sunday, April 30, 2006

today go and meet xin er and jasmine. i fall down from the thin. than so painful... coz jasmine say got ants den i jump down, i fell... than got blood on my knee.... xin er keep laughin but came towards me... and help me clean....i so scare la... is so painful ..... haiissss..... than so sweet of her... i keep thinkin tat she's mine but i gotta noe.. tat she is not.. i was kinda sad.. she dun allow me to smoke, wat's the meanin of it?? than she lend me her hand, and wanted to pull me up.. i was like.... how i wish, i could hold the hand forever, and walk down the slope, nv to let it go... but, i noe its juz dream.. hai... than, walk toward the shop... jasmine was cryin there coz her mother.....hmmmm... hai... than xiner run.. i chase her for my cigg... than when she goin off, she give mi a hug.. hai.. in gabriel's house.. jasmine was like slpin .. dunno if xin er true cares or wat... hai... all my mind is her.. i juz felt like cryin.....

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
2:48 AM

pass few days is not ok for me exam's around the corner. thank to esther for the lollipop.. hahas... today she message me first.. i so happy.. yeah.. gonna give up on xiner.. feel so sad.. not going to love anyone.. but still, i will miss esther.. i muz cherish this time with her.. yupp... i miss you...

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
2:30 AM

*************** Tuesday, April 25, 2006

todae in school,i pass a lollipop (i buy myself de!)..yupp..then,during recess time,jazmin came up to me n actualli wanted to tel me sum stuff...gosh,she sae if e whole sch noes,i wil be dead.plus if my parents noe,not that good etc..she sae is xiner n janelle sae...wha,i heard this two name im kinda nervous.did i realli do anything wrong?did i eva do sth so bad?
well...i get to noe the truth.shes my ex.n she backstab me,behind my back.
gosh,what is this?of cuz hearin upon that im extremely sad myself.am i as bad as u think i am?am i so bad that i will influence others?fine,i admit loh..im bad,heartless,wicked,cruel,cunning,....im afterall a bad company lahh alrights!!!
again n again u sae things that make me cry.why much tears ive shed for u?how many times u break my heart?everytime in school, i have to pass by u,as in nth has happened at all..when actualli,my heart is breakin every single second.why long muz this pain stil goes on?its all lies n hurt that u brought into my life.when will the dae cum?when u stop those hurts for me?
than,i feel rather sad in class,of cuz lahh...sumone who i haven forget sae that abt me.siding janelle again.haiiss...dunno how or what lahh..den,in class for growin years,ms chua talks abt break up.my classmate all sae abt me lahhs.sae the cut thing,sae what pancakes etc...reali thank zhenxiu n gera alot...dey reali did care alot for me.haiiss..so sweet.

wo bu zai hui ai ni le.
i wouldnt wan to love u.
luvin u hurts,.
dere''s so much i wan to sae.
sae so much end up oso no use.
u wil onli backstab me more.
u wil onli hate me more.
what did i do lahh?
can nvr do anythin
that makes u sacrfice
or even to shed a tear for me.

i hate u for breakin my hart.
i hate u for causing my life like this.
i dun need to share half of ur hart,
with someone else.
1638pm.

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
12:19 AM

*************** Monday, April 24, 2006

on saturdae,220406
i was actuali alright. i saw campus superstar.well,
mornin i go mit daddy...he buy me alot of things...den go home,tried not to think too much thats why i keep on occupyin myself with stuff..den go service,supposedly mit ESTHER de..but i onli manage to see my hp one hour later.so den too bad lohhs...but i cant be bothered lahhs...i cried alot todae..i realli cry la..than,i was abt to play the cat n mice game,xiner text me!!!wha,her msg is just...so complicatin lahhs...i so sad throughout the nite,i cant sleep.. me n SHIRLEY CHUA plus FLORA ok le..hahas..so nice of them lehhs...well,that nite i couldnt sleep till 2plus...

the next mornin i woke up,with tears in my eyes...i had bad nightmares=[

on sundae,230406
early in the mornin,i woke up..i had a bad nightmares..i dreamt of xiner...its a long story..veri scary...i onli rmb a line'xiner dun love u anymore'...haiis..what a sad dream.the rest i cannot rmb le..den i msg her...we msg throughout..dunno who nvr reply who..i dunno...ermx,i went pasir ris park,den she called me..talk hor..so long lahhs..hahas... wel,
we are leadin our own life now..she is my dog lehhx!!!hahas...she sae she aim a gal in 2/5..wha,my heart sank..i thot i forget le..i think so..but,why is it that when she tel me abt the gal,i feel so sad..why?but,she stil manage to cheer me up=] she's my dog! cute.hahas...think she realli got feelin for that gal..CONFIRM~!! plus,yesterdae she suddenly so nice to me, yesterdae she is so sweet, i miss the past!=[

pass 1am le,i am still talkin to shirley on the phone, so exhausted.

mondae,240406
i slept at ard 2am,i woke up 630am..im so tired..EXTREMTELY..i couldnt even open my eye wide...but i stil manage to go school, i reach there,saw my dog!!hahas... she pass me the leta..i read it over several times lahh...hmmm,cuz i tink her leta sumhow,is veri sweet lehx...meltin..hahas...nvr get to see esther...also dun wan..i cant be bothered too.i have yew!=]..
class is tiring todae,i run here n dere lahhs.hahas...plus, i give maryann my file..i brought it for her..hahas...its veri cheapskate lahh.. but sumhow i hope she wil apreciate it lo.hahas.. she give me sweet smile todae...hahas...
after school,i saw maryann,wendy veri angry.sort of.than she use shoes chase me around the whole carpark lahhs..hahas.. so bored lohh. after school we went to airport, me,jazmin,katherine n wendy. we were there,we make fun of a auntie..hahas so funny snore so damn fuckin loud lahhs... den,suddenly jazmin talk to me abt my family..i was like..what is this lahh.. she make me cry..but i just wipe my tears..i didnt tel her much. i didnt let her noe how i feel,i was realli feelin extremely down..but,i didnt wan to cry..i dunno... i onli noe she is the onli one who actuali try to wake me up inside of me.haiiss..
after that,i n wendy bring katherine down go see gabriel..wha,she like so sad lahhs. den i didnt noe i so fierce.i kept on lecturin her..i also sort of scolded wendy..they two of them just cry.kat stood cryin,wendy squat down n cry,.guess i have to wake dem up.i lecture dem for ard 45mins lahhs..i shouted at dem... roysten sae to love kuku forever end up brk,kather also..haiiss..den,xiner told me that she wil nvr make me cry...she wont ever break my heart.n sae that we are meant to be,but all this is just a lie.haiiss..im sorri for bein so fierce just now...but i need to wake u two up...kuku sae thank u to me =]

i dun wan to share ur heart wif sumone else.
love me or hate me,tel me the truth.
memories that last forever yet
everythin is in the past.
times we have together are gone.
i miss those time.
would u ever return back to me?
in eveyone's life,
dey have to go thru a time,
where they first get to noe sumone,
who means alot n is veri precious to dem,
but end up havin to let go stil...
i wil try my best to let u go=[

my love for u
will slowly fades away
as the dae past by
n the picture of ur smile
will slowly fade as well,
till the dae when i cant see it
anymore.
dun ever sae u love me anymore,
cuz i now
u will nvr return back to me...

i love u,my prince charmin=]
u make me so incomplete
n yet,im still holdin on.
cuz i want to prove to u
that my love for u is true=]

i love my dog=]

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
7:22 AM

*************** Friday, April 21, 2006

fcuk lahh.
i write so long den the entries deleted..

onli have a few words to sae now..
esther angry with me for no reason..
xiner todae pass me a leta,
i onli want to noe the reason to her
last sentence...

i go home just now..hear the song yue ding,
i cry lo..cuz the song is suppose to be our song.haiiss.
sad case..den,u sae ive forgotten u..i have not!

i am missin u rite now.

i cant stop to think..

of those memories we have together.

i use to think,

that we wont end it so fast.

but nw,

i gotta accept the fact..

that we've ended our story long ago.

i stil miss u,

but wad can i do?

ure saein my leta for u are all bullshit.

its from my heart..

my heart cried out..

how much i wants u.

how much i miss u.

ever since we broke up,

i nvr dare drink greentea.

ure the one who brought it for me..

now,if i were to drink it,

who wuld share the sweetness with me?

i miss callin u sweetheart..

i miss runnin to u ngive u a hug.

i miss u..but i have to face the fact.

that ure feelin is no longer there for me.

have u ever love me before?

have u ever cried for me?

i wan to noe,

if ure stil missin me.

i miss u.

haiiss..i reali do.

u noe ur in love

when the hardest thin

is to sae goodbye,

i once love u

n i stil do,.

1835pm.

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
3:29 AM

THURSDAE190406_
yesterdae,i didnt get to talk to esther for the whole dae.just like that lohhs..haiiss...yesterdae,after sch,i was like...esther goin one direction(to the right),xiner goin e direction to the left...i dunno which wae to go..supposedly i chose that path esther take...cuz this two path can brin me to busstop mahhs hahas..but den i talk n talk n talk...den i realise,esther go liao...didnt noe i talk so much ehhx.hahas..
went to tm yesterdae...scolded that fCukin bitch madaline...i scold her half wae,outside the fourth floor toilet.e life there..den sae sly n belle..hahas...sly wear until so gal gal lahh...hahas..ehhx...den nth much lo..go home,reply leta...do accounts...wha...sad lahhs...i cry for xiner lahhs...or ixit esther?aiya...no lahh..no one..i just cry lo...im veri sad thats why...

FRIDAE200406_
todae,went to sch...chat with xiner..wahahas...so happi..den,pe time xiner pass by me...like got smile,like nvr..i also dunno...den,lit time.. ESTHER pass by my class..she pass by twice.the second time she wave n smile at me..i was like...meltin..hahas...den i fall of the chair lahh...luckily ms kang dunno...i took back my progress card den is like..all is red mark lahh..was veri discouraged..but,nvr cry=]..i pass 6 fail 12 of it...flank it totally=[..
durin chinese went to av theatre...den we all so noisy there...in front or=f me is gera wu,zhenxiu n deborah sittin.den next to me in katherine n hafi...behind is kuku wendy...dey all were like..keep insultin xiner lahh..veri bad lo..i feel so sad when dey ask me why i like her etc...oh ya,xiner wrote me a leta,what is the meanin of it?i onli want to noe..the meanin to the last sentence..haiiss..den gera dey all keep saein her etc..i was like shoutin to the whole class in av,"who dun like xiner stand up"wha..stupid...gera,debrorah,zhenxiu,jiawei,even felicia from another stood up...cant stop laughin lo..hahas...dey sae my taste bad,where got?i like can le mahhs...its fun in there/..haiiss.
after school,i took all my books home...esther ANGRY with me again lahhs..what the fcuk..bcuz of a cute gal,rachel lee.hmm...den,i she bu de go home..wait for cab with wendy n kat..but den dun have..so i ask wendy to go back sch with me..went in,jazmin sae she lost her wallet..oh no..supposed to tio a gal de..but,nvr liao...i went in sch..saw XINER at class 2/7 dere.i stood at 3/4 there lo.hahas...deborah keep saein"she starin at u"so paisehx lah..but if she ever stare at me,my head will roll le lohhs...she just..walk pass me like that den.haiiss..sad..after sch,she opposite..i cross to hire cab..i got ABANDICS pain lahh..so just cab home..

cab home liao den meet pig..she pass me cigarette.hahas..so bored...i listen to the song yue ding,i cry lo..because of her.this song is suppose to be our song lahh...haiiss..

ive been cryin for u everynite,

its onli that u dunno.

u thought ive forgotten u,.

but its not true.

ure stil the one i want badly..

how much time muz i need,

to give up on u?

where is the promise u make,

u sae nvr to leave me.

u sae to love me forever...

till now,i dunno what is the reason

u sae break to me..

i wants to noe...

i dun ask for anythin but onli for u

to tell me the reason why,im satisfied.

its been so long since we broke up,

but still,i cant get u off my mind.

i nvr dare to drink 'greentea'..

cuz u owax buy it for me..

now that ure gone,

who will share the sweetness with me?

i noe u no longer likes me,

i am just havin false hope for myself.

have u ever love me before?

have u ever cried for me?

this is all i wan to noe.

where is the commitment ure

suppose to do?u nvr fufil it.

n yet,u left me so sudden..

i miss u..

i stil long to col u sweetheart for the last time.

i stil wants to run to u n give u a hug.=[

im longin..im waitin..

but everythin is just a dream=[

u noe ure in love

when the hardest thing

to sae is GOODBYE.

i once love u,

n now i stil do.

1826pm

imizyew.

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
2:12 AM

*************** Tuesday, April 18, 2006

i cried myself to sleep yesterdae.once more.i have to get this rite..haiss.i got to solve all those confusion in me..

is there anyone out there?

would u answer my prayer?

tel me why am i feelin this.

tell me what has got me into this.

tel me who would be the one for me,

to get me out of those pains n hurts.

i need sumone who cares for me,

to guide me in this journey.

i need sumone special,

to lead me back to the startin point

when i first get to love.

i nvr thought,

i would love n fall so badly=[

todae was in rtc the whole dae.i get indoor lahhs...alone....i was kinda discouraged.teachers are all accusin me of bein rude etc.i did yes i noe,but..haiiss...i skip assembly n oral..cuz its too borin!! dun expect me top go back n etc....hahas..ya lo...

todae esther ye got go rtc..so cute lahhs...but,i dunno ehhx..dunno how am i feelin now....just sad...i help to clean rtc todae lohs..i sweep floor etc lahhs...ehhx,den help out..but i manage to go back for accountss...yup...onli that in rtc,my heartbeat veri fast.hahas...xiner pass by me todae n knock into me=[

jazmin broke up with her boyfren todae..she like veri the sad ehhx..yupp she is..cuz she shared so many memories with him...four more daes their two months...at least they manage to celebrate one month together,i dun even have a chance!haiis...nvmx...dun think abt this le...dun sad ba..

family stands for "father and mother i love you"

let me tell u,i hate family.i dun have one..n i would nvr love a family.

i shall just treat it as i dun have a family.

oh please,anyone who wants to ever mention abt this issue,dun sae it in front of me.

my anger will vent anytime.

i dun wan to waste my tears cryn for such matters.

it is not worth it!!!=[

i can never take back those love i once gave u.

i can pretend,that nothin ever happen before.

i cant find the direction back to the startin point,

when i first love you.

i will have to pretend that i dun love u anymore.

i will have to pretend that no history ever happen before.

i will have to get this clear,thats theres no longer any chemistry for us.

i need to fake a wide smile out when i see you,

i need to fake it out that im leadin a happi life.

i need to turn away before my tears ever fall.

i need to get u out of my mind,i cant handle the pain.

i want to scream it out loud,

that i still love you!

my love for you

will slowly fade away

as the picture of ur smile

slowly fade away from my mind

1515pm.

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
11:49 PM

yesterdae i CRIED for esther..i feel so...sad...i cried till i fall asleep.haiiss...i dunno what is wrong with me.i read her blog,she cried yesterdae too...would it be that,we are cryin atthe same time yesterdae?
haiiss..i dunno... i am just feelin extremely down yesterdae..i recall those sweet memories we use to have...but,like what i sae,its all memories.memories that cabnt nvr be reverse back in time anymore.haiiss....i gues..im GIVINUP... all she ever want is her zhihao,not me!!!i need to get this clear,that she dun need me anymore in her life!todae early in the mornin heard her sae abt her guy..haiiss...i muz fan qi le lahhs... its like...tearin me apart...
todae in school,ms daisy tan took up five periods...wha,than,she cried...she is ard 30+(not married)n yet,she cried in front of us.my whole class was like...laughin nonstop?n also,its rather funny..we dunno whats the reason she cry for..yupp.i get SUSPENDED in rtc todae...the whole dae lahhs..i just realise that i sign in the log book..since the first dae of sch till now,is like..alreadi abt 31 times?despite onli havin 62 daes...gosh..
its recess time after accounts..well,den same recess as 2/1...ehhx..what shld i sae ehhx?hmmm well,i fell down in front of her.stupid lahhs...she DUN EVEN CARE FOR ME!haiiss,anywaes,i admit..im feelin sad..veri sad in fact...i wanted to approach her,askin if she allow me to HUG her just one last time n than i willl swore to completely give up.shld i sae ive alreadi give up,or just lyin to myself?i told certain ppl....that,i am tryinto run away from the fact.till the time comes,.when i havecompletely give up..thats when im prepared to face those hurts n pain...this has been botherin me for sum time just now in rtc..haiis...HELP!!!
i dun wan to love anymore...it hurts me deeply...i no wants to longer love...i dun wanlove esther le..she onli cares for her zhihao...not me!!!ppl,give me time to GIVE UP on everythin..n e two of them...im just bein kinda weird todae...dwellin over the past of me n xiner...feelins gone.long ago..but onli that memories are still kept in my head...i have to *shake it completely off my mind*..i cant afford to make myself reali feel the pain once again...

im afraid of those pain i once felt,

for them...get it into MYHEAD!!!

BOTH U N I WERE NVR MEANT TO BE TOGETHER,

ANYMORE!!

im onli a human,

why would u wan to hurt me so badly?

its onli pain that im feelin

1738pm.

ihavetoletthingsgo=[

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
1:44 AM

*************** Thursday, April 13, 2006

im here to blog once more.im gonna tel everyone,that i'll turn bung esther..well,i cut my hair le..but hahas..yesterdae i have such a great desire wantin to turn for esther...but,all she care for is maryann,not me!!haiiss!!!veri sad.realli veri verii sad..oh no...is lyk..i read those past letters etc,i wanted so much to break down.but,i cant..cuz i noe,i will end up hurt.hais..i feel so paisehx when i see esther todae..its veri paisehx lehh..help..i see her,i wanted to blush..yet dun wan...i dunno wat i wan too!!!haiiss!!!cuz alot ppl suggest me nt to turn..im like..serious now...haiiss...
she ius the one.,..who sae to love ,me forever/.but sigh,what is this...
im sad.im seriously am...i feel like breakin down..my life seems to be gone already.haiiss.. felt like cryin,.what to do can?yesterdae i pierce my lips wha...fuckin sad lahh...but i rather let myself feel the pain,then to let my heart brk.haiiss...i felt like brekin down..this few daes..heyu what is with me?
think me n xiner is still frens le.haiiss..good ba..we talk todae...luckily ive given up.haiiss..sad..sad..sad..im realli sad.but,i dunno the reasons why.think is al abt esther?!?!?!haiiss...
sweetie,i think she veri the sad.i cant stand seein the wae her heart brk,the wae she show her broken smile.its all fake..i dun lyk to see this.i hate seein her cry,i hate seein her so sad..haiiss....im sorri.but i failed..i cant do anything...im speechles....i dunn o what is goin on in life.haiiss..
shi jie shang mei you bu hui jiao de fu mu,
zhi you bu ting hua de hai zi.=[-ive let u down.
im sorri.i shouldnt even be born.cum into this world.
i onli bring sadness to everyones life.

well,im speechless rite now,but i onli have one thing to sae.

is that,i love esther ye!

shout it out loud:

i realli do love you,

wont u be mine too?

you mean everything to me,,,

cant imagine a dae without u by my side!

ure all i ever wan!!

JOANNA LOVE ESTHER!!!!

its dated:

130406.

ilove79=]

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
1:35 AM

*************** Tuesday, April 11, 2006

what shld i sae abt my life for this pass few daes?
haiiss..its a disaster.i need to get thru it.hasnt been great.
esp when todae is suppose my one month but yet,we fight.
had a big fight,what the fuck!luckily we break le.im not gonna be sad
over her anymore.she's not worth my sadness...i hope by saein
that...i myself realli can get over it.
i dun wan to drag this on..i have to let go..let go of everything..
i dun wan to feel anymore pain for her.
its a tragedy...a nightmares that is scarin me...
im afraid....to suffer much more for her.
God pls get me out of this life...that is tearin me apart..i have to fuckin
get my right life now..cant let this go on...
i will disappoint everyone,esp my pig...
she thinks that i am lyk..haiiss...what a sad dae it is..
i cant go on hurtin everyone ard me..that cares for me...
without XINER,i am stil able to go on with life....
YES i can!!!frens,pls help me thru...
rite now,im runnin away from the fact...
i nid to..if not,the joanna u see todae,
wouldnt be smilin out alreadi...
haiiss...nvmx.just let me be,it has be a sad dae for me.

i cant let others worry for me.
i have to be strong...im worried for my sweetie,
in sch,whenever she see me,she's just weird.
as if she is avoidin me.but i noe,whenever i saw her,
i manage to put on a smile=]..seein her makes me happy too.
i saw her sweet smile todae.how i wish,everydae is lyk tis.
when i get to see sweetie's smile,all my worries are gone.
i dunno what is so special of her,to calm me down.
to makes me smile,to brighten up my dae.
she is my sweetie.thats onli her..onli she can makes me
feel this dae.onli she can makes me feel the love again.
thanks sweetie.ure sumone special to me.
i wan to makes u smile.dun ever be hearttbroken.
cuz i am worried..its not ur fault for everythin..
wish upon a star,n sumhow ur wish wil cum true too.
frens will cum n go,but owax rmb that,joanna yong
will owax stay by ur side.im not ur fren,im ur sweetie!
so that is why i wont go away..nvr will i go.i swear!
i love u my sweetie maryann.i seriously do=]

hui you na me yi tian..i dunno who i like rite now..
i noe my feelins for xiner is there...but i have to let it go.
frens frm other class stare at me,with a look...
a sarcastic look.im sad..i dun even mean to brk sherilyn
meimei..her heart.,...im sorri.very sorrie..i seriously wan the
best for my meimei...i cant even be bothered with the yeo
girl le lahhs..haiiss...sad case...i wan my meimei to be
happi..im sad.cuz i cant believe that...people has been givin
me that look..i nid a break from all this hurts!gosh,how i wish
my meimei wuld forgive me...i am sad.i realli am.i dun wan to
break my meimei heart...meimei,pls forgive me=[..i would do
anythin...if i can make u smile again.haiiss...somehow i hope,i
had nvr knew xiner..but,oh well...this is my life..
i just have to go to wherever it leads me too...my life is all dash.
i cant be bothered with xiner anymore...we walk pass each other
without a hello or what.we just,simply walk pass lyk this.haiiss,,

i wan to love esther back.but her feelin is with zhihao,
she will nvr lyk me back.i tried to care alot for her..
i wan her to noe..i wan her to understand..
that i can like her back.i wan to...i wan her..i wan her to
feel the love i gave her before...once more..to let her feel it.
but its a PITY cuz when i lyk xiner,i seriously has no feelin
feelin for esther le...for xiner i first time give up on esther.
though seriously i care alot for esther..cant possibly ask me to
give up totally on esther mahhs..nvmx lahh.since she wants me to
go lyk esther,well,....ILOVEESTHER!!!haiiss..i may sound heartless.
but if this is the onli wae mahhs..to forget xiner.feelin has totally faded..

i hope i wont hurt anymore people...people who seriously care for me..
lyk natalie,gera wu,kuku,PIG,kat,shilin,shirley,hafi,gwen,suzlynn,zhenxiu
,rena,jiaqian,another half,sarah laogong..
and much more....hey,wake joanna yong!its not as if my life is gone.
i am still alright arrx!haiiss...i noe i have alot of frens by my side...
if janelle they all gonna give me that look,i wont have to care...i have
others fren...AND ESPECIALLY SWEETIE!!!!i just have to find mysself..
let me take sum time to..okie?joanna can smile...ya she is smilin everydae..
she has more smile in her than tears...its bcuz,she's runnin away from the
truth..afraid of gettin hurt=[

i am bein suspended from social studies class.i cant go back anymore..
till the last dae of the year...sigh..i never go for 5items..i have no mood to..
and also,i cried in my english lesson todae..i receive a heartbreakin leta.
why shed tears for sumthin lyk this?i dunno..its all beyond my control.
haiiss..rena n jessica broke up todae...i comforted rena..she cried...
i told her alot of things..to let go etc..but what abt me?i myself dun even
wan to listen to what others sae haiiss...i am SAD.i seriously am!

i dun wan to hear tat u are goin.

i thot that u wuld be my fren,

i dun wan to be left anymore.

u told me that u love me,

it was stupid of me to believe.

we are too young to even feel tt wae.

but i nvr thot tt u would leave,

i cant turn back the clock.

i wouldnt ever wan to hurt u.

i nid u to be my rock,

i cant delete u from my life,

i tink abt u everydae.

but i cant make u lyk me again..

all i could ask is,

would u please stay?

im nt askin much from u!=[

i realise siewling likes xiner=[

i realise sherilyn mei lyks her too..

that is what i heard from my*laogong.haiiss..

xiner likes sumone..we will nvr be together again.

so joanna yong,please get out of thatr dream that

is leadin u to no where except to a place called hell!!

nvr ever will we be togetheR!!!nvr ever!!

*my tears cant help it but to flow down now*

imagine me without you,haiiss...how i wish..a dae wil

come..when we can be back together,where i am able to

hear that u sae tt u stil loves me.at least for the last time!

ive shed countless tears for u,but all u sae is that,my leta

is simply nth but just craps and rubbish!!!sobsob*

i need you...return back to me..

i am so lost and confused...

rainbow after the storm,

i will be alright.soon after

the storm is thru..just guide

me thru rite now..seriously i

dunno how am i going to live now.

haiiss...

my darlin huiqing torn my heart apart that dae.

a leta from her,that seriously tear my heart!

we've ended our frenship...its torn...

misunderstandin is all that causes us to end!

im sorrie.veri sorrie.i cant be there for you,

ANYMORE!!!

cried on,

17:28.

its gonna be tears

n blood that

im shedin=[

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
12:22 AM

*************** Sunday, April 09, 2006

its the truth..i can nvr be with her.
she dun lyk me.
i muz let go.
i have to.haiiss
i cant go on anymore..
sad case..

wo hao ai ta=[

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
7:20 AM

i know when im at my saddest moment.,
rachel jiejie will be there for me.
though we are nt close anymore,
but i noe,i will owax have her by my side,
even though she pinch me til..
haiiss..well,i love u jiejie..
thanks for owax bein here for me=]
slysly owax bully me lahh..
keep saein i veri what or more ..
but anywae,i still wanna thank
you for bein there to cheer me up..
with ur lame jokes...n craps,..
thanks..
thers no need to worry for me.
its life.i have to go on with it.
i will just go to wherever life takes me to.

_*hui you na me yi tian,
zai dui ni shuo shen wo ai ni*_

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
5:31 AM

my life has to go on...even if u're not by my side.

life sucks like nvr before..all im feelin now is pain.
pain pain pain n more pain...
alright,lets start from what exactly happen,
yesterdae.
i was out at sentosa...soon after that i was with tianqin,wendy,gera n lydia.
was suppose to meet esther at nite de lo..but.haiss,nvr le.yupp,well than we saw benjamin that whole group lo..nt exactly know them de...wha play true or dare,i am bein dare to kiss tianqin lips..alright dare le..than...i was at the beach...
i wrote on the sand,i realli do miss xiner.haiiss..my handphone pictures is all about what i write lo.
well,than we take mrt supposedly wan go back home de...just wen i was at the bugis station..xiner told me its a permanent break.her feelin has faded.totall..she ask me to give her up..i controlled..until payalebar,i get down(we have a date this cumin fri at singapore post=[)
i sat there,i cried n cried.kuku was beside me.i cried..lyk nvr before.i have no appetite to eat or anythin.
kuku ask if we shld go sum place,we have nvr go before.i was too weak too even answer..i have nt eaten for two daes.sigh...tha,benjamin(gabriel that group)called us...askin us to go down lake side...chang cheng(that haunted place next to super bowl)we took mrt down there.
then when we reach there...shock dao...got around 24 guys...plus me n kuku is 5 girls lo..haiiss.. go in to the chang cheng..i scared hor..wendy scare me until i more brave den her lo..hahas.
stupid kuku go n grab wenjie hand lahh...hahs..well,too bad sumone nvr go..if nt the situation wil change lo.haiiss...den*ahem...well,nvmx..
i was lost in the change cheng..stupid kuku too obsess over guys..wha...i hold the guy that hand...humji until hor...can go laosai lahhs...den i was lost....i veri sad lahh..thats why nt too scare..haiiss.than hours later they found me in the theatre...with lotsa glass n so dark,..i was lyk stonin there..haiiss.then we walk the whole chang cheng...stupid kuku hold the wen jie hand...until wha...cool man..hahas...
haiiss...got a white colour guy..cute man...but,...i got xin shang ren le lo..haiiss...overall,i still like yeo xin er!!!haiiss,esther lyk her zhihao den*_ _ _ _ got people lyk de..well,muz slowly forget her....than later we went to malay cementry...we first go chinese cementry den so scary...too bad that guy who hold my hand in the changcheng*not gonna mention*noe there..if not i not so scare le..hahas..wendy tan still zhou TAO HUA YUN leh..
the cementry so scary..its dark..i walk alone..behind me got two boys..i veri scare la...i stil see people tiao tang...is the ghost go in the body de..haiiss...sad sad..i scare.but...im sadder thats why i not that scold..i just walk all the way straight..my whole mind..im thinkin of xiner..haiiss..nth else..
after that me n wendy go to the gabriel house n ton...wha...hahas...haiiss..
a veri sad dae lo..

joanna love xiner.
she'll nvr noe what im goin thru.
i cant sleep,afraid of wakin up with tears in my eyes.
afraid of spendin the nite alone,not knowin what wil i do.
afraid of missing you,scare that i will break down.
i dun mind not being together,
but all i wan,is to at least stay as frens.
if ure gonna sae u dun love me anymore,
i will get out of ur life immediately.
wont u feel the pain,im feelin rite now?
its just like a knife,stabbin thru my heart.
i cant find a reason why,i love u so much.
hold on or to let go,i dunno...
i will just slowly let my feelins fade..
when will the dae comes,when ive forgotten u?
the dae will come,when everyone gets to see my smile.
when my heart is mend..but i guess,somehow...
it will be a long wae ahead.
you once promise,nvr to make me cry anymore.
nvr to rve break my heart.
now,a word 'sorri n u ended our story.
u left me alone,sufferin in this world.
dreams have a wae of fadin away.
but sumhow,im still holdin on to dream..
that will nvr cum true n its impossible.
i dun wan to see u sufferin alone,
i wan to help u thru.
whether as a lover or a fren..
i want to help you.i seriously wan to.
it takes sumone special to make a person smile,
when there are alreadi tears in her eyes.
i wan u to be the one,
to be there to wipe my tears away.
i noe im nt suppose to sae this,
but still,
xiner,i love you.
i seriously realli do.

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
2:35 AM

*************** Friday, April 07, 2006

im speechless...
i have nth else to sae..all im feelin now..is misery..
another news that broke out,hurtin me once again.
its a pain i cant handle.a pain that cause me..to break down lyk nvr before.sth that sbreak my heart..
wo bu neng shi qu ni=[
we broke up todae...sigh...i have 2.4km run todae...its a sad dae...u noe,i care alot for esther..i dunno why..before 2.4km run i was super extremely sad.i cried n smoke 4 sticks..actualli is 5.but one drop down the window..whats happenin?haiss,kuku,katherine n adeline together with me..in my hse all cry la..wendy slept on the bed n cry,kat was sittin at the door n cry,adeline seat n cried in between my drawer n bed there..me?!?!i stood up,facin the window..my tears just flow down...i pretend sae i go into my mum room take money but i open the drawer door,i squat there n cry..i cant hold on to my tears anymore...we rush down to the bedok there..then,i almost cried while runnin...i kept on goin..i wan to persearve...so i run all the wae,think i came in num.7 in class..hopefully can get top 10=[
after my run,the first person i saw was liane den esther.well,i was lyk..happi that i saw esther there...after my runs,i immediately go ard to find money...cuz i dunno where i put my bag.so i borrowed from ger...den i ran all the wae to esther hse the provision shop just to buy jellybeans..i ran back..i was pantin lyk mad lahh...than esther came in first..actualli see my sweetie maryann wanna go the finishin line de..but den we both stop at the same time...den i ask her go,but she ask me to go.so i went there..n help esther together with adeline..she is like..so unstable...see her sad arrx....get her chairs drink n etc...then found my bag...receive a call...from xiner...ask me sum stuff lahh...i now listenin to shang hu hai...haiiss!!!felt lyk cryin can./..but i cant...
den janelle tel me sae,dun be too soft hearted etc....dunno lorr...hang up on her...janelle called her...sae sum stuff...den she sort of tel janelle sth....jan keep dun wan to tel me...end up i ask her sae...den she sae xiner want to break with me!!!!!!!!!!!i immediately cried lahhs...esther came...took the phone away...n talk to xiner .haiiss...janelle so swit lahh..haiiss...didnt noe she'll care so much for me...thanks thanks..haiss..den,i cried until soooo.haiiss....jiaqian almost cried for me..even sarah..everyne was lyk comfortin me..i was lyk...super sad..gosh,
even rachel jiejie n slysly ask me wad happen..al i could do is to cry...cry n cry n cry.even till now...i stood there...not noein what to do..except to sae..'my one month is approchin yet...'haiss.nvmx lahh...al is done le lo..haiiss...nvmx lahh...den....esther ye just walk away from me lyk this..haiiss...
now im in tingwen' house..i cried..i feel so.....sad...guess sweetie's sadder=x

sweetie,

i noe ure sad..we're exactly sharin the same fate.

but,rmb,its u who lyks her first.

she cant do anything..

*hq is sort of onli_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ her..

(wanna noe the word,ask me)

i will support u..

i noe ure sad n veri down..

but im sorri,i cant be there,

i tried to..but i failed..

there's no need to hide ur feelins frm me.

i noe how u feel...

ive gone thru it before...

but,i willl guide u...i'll help u..

allow me,okie?ilu_*

joanna to maryann.

lyk what i sae,life's in a mess for me..but,ill stil stand strong..no one's gonne see the tears i cry..no one will ever see it ANYMORE.i swear!i need a breakk....from everythingg....just let me be=x

lifes tirin..i cant go on anylonger.. no one knows what im goin thru..its onli me.

haiiss born in this world,

for a false purpose..nothin's the reason at al=x

no onw h\know what im goin thru..

anyone out there???

get me out of this nightmares=[

i cant live on any longer...

i know... i have to seriously let things go.haiiss...

{ soulful writings by } ]]x[loving you hurts]x[ at
6:01 AM

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